Reflections on Our Relationship

Life After Us: Daily Updates on Her ->
“ Read this story carefully.

Now, in Maya's eyes, all my actions seem false. To clear everything up, let’s start from the very beginning.

It all started on September 21, 2022, when I left PNG left and took admission in Polytechnic. That was the first time I saw Maya—at the college gate, dressed casually. It was my first time seeing Maya, but everything felt so normal then that I didn’t even really notice Maya again.

A few days passed, and as is common among friends, we would talk about who we liked. So I casually said that I liked Dia Manral. After that, everyone began teasing me about her. I then thought of talking to Dia Manral and tried to connect with her on Instagram. Initially, she did not accept my follow request two or three times—which was normal at that time. But as time went by and when she noticed that I was also her classmate, she finally accepted the follow request. When I asked her why she hadn’t accepted it earlier, she replied that she didn’t know me back then.

After that, our chats were normal and even a bit flirty—joking about “Paisa toh shadi ke baad milke bhi chori kar lenge” or saying "Tum mere sath hi beautiful dikhti ho.”

Then in college, I became friends with Mayank Negi. Just one week after we became friends, I learned that a girl named Maya had proposed to Mayank in the library. At that time, I didn’t even know which Maya was being talked about; my only focus was that my friend had been proposed to, so I asked him about it. He explained clearly that he hadn’t initiated anything on his own—Maya had asked him to meet in the library. Although he didn’t really want to go, he went without much thought. When he got there, Maya asked, “Can we be friends?” and he said, “Yes, we can be friends.” Later, when I mentioned that there were other rumors going around in college, he said that people just talked like that. Then I told him that I was talking to Dia Manral, and he remarked, “You really like Dia Manral?” and suggested that I try with Maya. At that time, this all seemed perfectly normal, so based on his suggestion, I sent Maya a follow request.

And from here begins our real story. Everything that follows is not something imagined or fabricated—it is all part of a process. I am not here to prove anything about myself or boast; I just want to tell Maya what happened between us, what Maya couldn’t see from my side.

When I sent Maya the follow request, it felt completely normal because I was also talking to Dia Manral. But as time passed, I noticed that Maya began to understand things a bit more and even started initiating conversations herself—and that was what inclined me even more toward Maya. Over time, I became certain that I truly wanted Maya in my life. My intentions were never wrong; I wanted to take things slowly, knowing that something could only happen after mutual understanding. Gradually, my feelings for Maya grew so strong that I became serious about Maya—even though, at that time, it was a kind of one-sided love, and we were meant to maintain our friendship. Maya started noticing this during the first semester, and at that point, both directly and indirectly, I began asserting my “rights” over Maya. For Maya, it remained just a friendship, but for me, it was much more.

However, things began to go wrong when I started having expectations from Maya—that my efforts would be reciprocated—but Maya was not doing what I expected. And that was perfectly acceptable from Maya's side; when Maya starts liking someone, Maya naturally puts in effort without caring what the other person might think. A simple example of this was evident in Mayank Negi’s chats—where Maya would initiate conversations even though he wasn’t really interested, telling him things like that I went out just to hang around, while his replies were only one or two words long.

This shows that putting in effort is not wrong when Maya likes someone; it’s only wrong when Maya starts expecting something in return—and that expectation was my mistake. I, too, wanted Maya to understand me in return, but the understanding from Maya's side remained limited to friendship, which was completely fine.

Maya viewed everything as just a friendship, and I tried to maintain that, albeit with extra effort and expectations. I began sending Maya countless texts and long paragraphs, and I made 100–200 calls—imagine how crazy that must have seemed. I was serious about Maya and acted out of fear of losing Maya. The fear of loss is, after all, what love is—and I realized that only when Maya actually left.

On April 19, when I wanted to call Maya to the library to talk, Maya refused. As I was heading home, I became emotional and started crying, and Maya ended the conversation by saying, “Why are you crying? Just end this,” and then Maya hung up the phone. I immediately tried calling Maya back, but Maya blocked me. I even recharged my other number to try calling Maya, but Maya blocked that too. Then I tried through Instagram and WhatsApp—but again, I was blocked. I resorted to sending Maya long explanatory messages, and Maya too sent equally lengthy explanations, making it clear that Maya no longer wanted this friendship.

That night, on April 19, I cried a lot. And at that time, I wasn’t thinking that Maya didn’t like me or that I liked Maya; I was just filled with regret that I should have controlled my actions because from that moment on, Maya was not even my friend anymore.

Then on April 20, I came to college thinking I would clear things up with Maya face-to-face, but Maya didn’t want to listen. I even held Maya's hand to make Maya listen, yet Maya still wouldn’t hear me. Later, when Maya started walking away from me on the ground, I realized that in Maya's eyes, I was a very bad person.

I know that constantly calling, texting, and not just calling once or twice—but 60–70 times—must have been incredibly irritating for Maya. It was wrong, but at that time I had no clarity on how Maya viewed our friendship. My calls and texts were completely wrong, yet I had no other way to make Maya understand, and at that time, I didn’t even want a relationship; I simply wanted to remain in contact with Maya in any way possible.

Things got even worse when even our time together involved Maya choosing which friends were Maya's first priority. I ended up being a lower-priority option, and Maya accepted that without question. This was very confusing every time—Maya's actions and occasional words forced me to start expecting more from Maya, and my efforts grew even larger than before.

Just think back—how many times did Maya disappoint me or fail to understand? Even when there was some understanding, it led to further misunderstandings. Maya never really disappointed me; it was just the confusion of overreacting in a friendship because of my feelings for Maya. Even after clearing things up time and again, Maya always accepted the situation, and my efforts were reciprocated from Maya's side. It was very confusing, wondering why Maya suddenly became so understanding when Maya considered our friendship to be merely normal.

I’m not saying this to blame myself, but just remember: every time in the past two years that we reconnected—until our friendship eventually ended—it was always marked by mutual understanding and effort. It was confusing for both of us and hard to comprehend. Yet, even after reconnecting, we remained available for each other, even if only for a few days. All of this only increased my expectations and further deepened my feelings for Maya.

Over time, I noticed that both the understanding and Maya's efforts increased, and my feelings became stronger and constant. Even when we fought or didn’t speak for months, I kept thinking about Maya and wondering how everything could be made right.

There was even a time when Maya said Maya was in a relationship, but I knew very well that Maya was lying and merely trying to push me away. Still, I asked Maya for confirmation—asking what I hadn’t done for Maya and if there was anything between us that couldn’t be. It is completely wrong to claim that I only did all these things after Maya told me about Maya's relationship—I will address that later.

I understand that we cannot force someone to like us or make feelings develop overnight. I only wanted us to understand each other, to talk, and even if nothing more developed over time, that would have been fine. But to say from the very first day that there are no feelings is obvious—feelings develop over time, and mine for Maya did not blossom in a single day. It took one or two months for them to form and about seven or eight months for them to become constant, all depending on Maya's actions and responses.

And yes, feelings do not develop in one day; mine too grew gradually. The only difference between us was that my feelings developed quickly while Maya's took a bit longer. Yet, there is no question as to why feelings existed at all or why I kept coming back to Maya even after Maya repeatedly refused.

It would be wrong to say that I was always the one who approached Maya. Just think logically: I was always there after every fight, even when Maya blocked me and ended the friendship. I was always trying to convince Maya.

The truth is, Maya always came to me in one way or another; I was always there with the same feelings, and Maya would return when Maya was ready. The only exception is that a girl, because of her pride, may not approach first—and that’s why I always took the initiative.

Even after Maya blocked me, I tried every possible way to stop Maya from leaving. Not a single day passed without me calling Maya, and I never blocked Maya on WhatsApp, hoping that someday we would reconnect.

One thing is clear: I never blocked Maya on my end, because I wanted to keep everything open in case Maya ever wanted to come back. Even though I know I have done many wrong things, why would I block Maya?

There was a time when we were learning the MERN stack, and after some fights, we stopped talking. Later, when Maya reconnected with me—although Maya sometimes had a slightly rude tone—I ended up saying, “Go to hell,” and blocked Maya. Saying that might seem easy now, but I regretted it so much afterwards that I never wanted to text or call Maya on my own again, because if I had said that, how could Maya ever forgive me?

The simple solution then would have been to wait for Maya—to wait for the day we would reconnect again. And I was waiting.

At our last fresher party, I was receiving mixed signals that Maya too might want to reconnect. So I once again asked Maya to reconnect, and Maya accepted.

Then, on October 20, I once again shared my feelings with Maya without any hesitation about whether Maya would accept or not. It was a surprise—a miracle—for me. Maya accepted and even told me that Maya was beginning to like me too. Maya even confessed that Maya didn’t really know when Maya's feelings for me developed or when Maya fell in love.

After that, instead of things getting better, they started to deteriorate because our perspectives were completely different and neither of us wanted to understand the other. A simple solution would have been for us to continuously put in effort for one another so that our understanding and love could grow. Instead, every time something went wrong—even over small matters—I ended up fighting with Maya. And that fighting was normal because our understanding and actions were shifting, making our relationship feel different.

It is absolutely true when Maya says that love is unconditional and that we do not have the right to control anything. This may sound one-sided, but if love is committed by both sides, then it should be unconditional from both.

All these misunderstandings, confusions, and differing perspectives led to our fights. I ended up arguing with Maya over trivial matters, and that was, to an extent, wrong. I can even show how immense our love was—I will prove not only my love but also Maya's so that it becomes clear just how deep it was.

Everything I have shown Maya about my personality from the very beginning is completely true. Maya sees changes in me—a positive sign that I am comfortable with Maya. To think of it negatively, as if I have two faces, is completely wrong. Every time we fought, I prayed that Maya would remain in my life. Even if Maya thinks those prayers were insincere, when Maya accepted me on October 20, I simply said, “God has listened to me.” Even the 500-rupee offering at the temple was not a false commitment.

This isn’t the only instance where I never demanded anything from Maya. My prayers and belief only grew stronger after our fights—after the April 19 incident, after our second-semester fights, and after other fights, everything would eventually get better, and we would reconnect. There are other examples where I showed that I kept waiting for Maya—and I will continue to wait in the hope that everything will eventually be okay. No matter what has happened so far, one thing remains: I will always be good to Maya, whether Maya accepts me or not. I trusted that someday, when I became financially stable—even if it were five years later—I would talk to Maya again. That hope always stopped me from doing things for Maya that I didn’t really want to do. I knew how to talk to a girl and never did anything that would later give Maya a reason to think badly of me.

Even during that time, I did talk to some other girls accidentally, but nothing happened with any of them that would make Maya think something was wrong. I wanted to remain completely true to Maya. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have my own principles—I was the way I was, and that’s why I acted as I did. Back then, Maya was the reason I stayed so thoughtful and serious.

Another strong example is Deepa Bisht and her sister. I even told Deepa clearly that I would always wait for Maya until Maya accepted me, no matter if it took four or five years. Hearing that, her tone changed, but I still remained committed. Her sister—whose name Maya must have seen in my Instagram following list (Hoshi)—was actually Deepa Bisht’s sister. If it had been someone else, I might have tried with them too, but I kept in mind that if I did that now, how would I ever face Maya later?

It might be hard for Maya to believe all of this, but it is true. I never wanted to do anything that would give Maya any reason not to accept me. Call it love or something else, but everything back then happened unconditionally. I didn’t know whether Maya would accept me or not, but I was always putting in my efforts—even when we were completely out of contact.

Maya's way of expressing love is different—a fact I gradually came to understand. Maya is an understanding person, but only if things are seen solely from Maya's perspective. Maya forgave me for every mistake; even though I hurt Maya, Maya stayed by my side, which is the very definition of love—that Maya remains with me in every situation. It was completely acceptable that, in the middle of our fights, Maya would block me, even though that exhausted Maya mentally. Maya would understand things calmly while I tended to overreact, make a mountain out of a molehill, and then refuse to listen to Maya. Yet, Maya's love remained unconditional.

Now, here begins the matter of Yash Joshi. I will speak from my heart—recalling every single detail carefully—and I will not hide my mistakes. What is true is true.

Right from the start, I had told Yash Joshi that I was talking to a girl named Maya, and he said, “Okay, go ahead.” So, gradually, whatever happened between us, I would share with him because I didn’t really know how to do this on my own—I used to take his advice, just as I still do in a relationship. It was normal for me to ask for his advice. He would ask, “Does Maya behave like this if you act that way?” So sometimes I would ask Maya similar questions, and as a result, we would fight over whether Maya even considered me a friend. Then, as more things happened, I mentioned that Maya has three best friends and that she spends all her time with them—so how could she ever give me enough time? Then he would advise that Maya create distance from those friends and meet her at college—in short intervals at first (say, five minutes on the first day) and then gradually increase the time. But this was never easy for me.

I was never able to speak to Maya directly about wanting to talk when Maya would initiate or come to me herself—I could only manage it then. I was like that from the very beginning. And Maya used to say at that time that Maya would come to me so many times, that Maya would approach me herself to talk, but I just couldn’t; I always felt hesitant.

Then Yash said that he should keep his male friends away from Maya. For me, doing that was also impossible. So he said, “That’s the only option then.” He suggested that I talk to them once. I replied, “I won’t be able to talk to them—I just can’t do it.” Then he said, “Give me Maya’s frinds number; I’ll talk to them.” I said, “I don’t even have my number on me.” He then said, “Do it on Instagram.” I replied, “I’m not doing it.” He urged, “Take it slowly—first connect with them, make them friends; that’s all.” I said, “I’m not doing it, man.” Then he insisted, “I’ll do it myself.” So I gave in, and he said, “Now, give yours logins.” I asked, “Why should I give my logins?” He answered, “I’ll talk to them using Maya’s account.” I told him, “Don’t do that—it won’t help explain things to them.” Then he said, “Wait, I’ll do something.” I asked, “What will you do?” Then he logged into my account—and I didn’t even realize it at the time. Later, when I opened Instagram, I saw that a message had been sent to Sorabh and Prajwal. I immediately asked Yash, “Hey, how did you log into my account?” He replied, “It was so easy password is that simple.” Now, Maya might find this hard to believe, but even my Gmail password was something awkward, and Maya had even mentioned that Maya remembers Maya’s Google account password.

At that time, I didn’t stop him because I thought the chats were normal—just greetings like “hello” and all that. I assumed everything would remain casual and that he wouldn’t resort to cursing Maya. I never imagined he might actually end up abusing Maya. After that, I didn’t pay much attention. But the next morning, when I saw that things had escalated and that Maya was involved too, I immediately told Yash, “Bro, don’t do all this—Maya will only drift further away.” Believe it or not, I still clearly remember him saying, “Don’t do this; it will only push Maya away.” Then he said, “Forget it—just leave Maya alone. What’s gotten into Maya? Maya, you’ve become so pathetic; stop chasing after Maya now and let me handle it.” At that moment, I truly felt that I couldn’t do anything for Maya anymore. And when Yash Joshi explained all of this in front of my local friends, it scared me too. After that, I said nothing further. In fact, Yash Joshi even changed my account logins, and the OTP was being sent to his number. Maya might think it was so easy for him to do that—but I can surely say the situation on both sides was so out of control that I wasn’t even mentally capable of handling anything.

In the midst of all this, I even tried to talk to Sorabh, suggesting we meet up and talk. I called him so I could explain who was behind those chats. I even asked him how many times I had called him at college to tell him about it—and not once did he answer my calls.

I had thought long and hard about telling Maya all this. But Maya had blocked me on WhatsApp calls, and whenever I tried to explain things to Maya at college, Maya deliberately avoided me. This wasn’t a one-time incident—it happened every single time. I still vividly remember that moment when I was about to pass by Maya, and Maya left that spot and went to the other side. All of that became another reason for me not to tell Maya, because I was afraid Maya wouldn’t even listen to me—just like what happened on April 20. Or I also had some chats with Saurabh in which we talked about maintaining distance from Maya, but I didn’t use any abusive words. In fact, I even used to talk to Maya about this, so maybe it was normal... And at that time, I also regretted why I was discussing all this with her friend. Later, I told Maya everything, saying, "Look, this is the mistake I made, please forgive me.

It is absolutely wrong to say that after Maya’s rejection and after that fake story about Maya’s relationship I acted the way today’s generation does.

By that time, I had already realized that we were reconnecting from time to time—that both of us had different ways of thinking and understanding, and that we needed a little break. In all those chats, whatever Maya saw—and based on which Maya say that Yash Joshi knew everything—I had explained every single detail to him just as I had explained it to Deepak Pokhriyal last time. I’m not trying to save myself here; I’m simply telling Maya exactly what I did.

After I found out about Yash Joshi, I had already told Maya what kind of person he is and that we still spoke sometimes. Anyway, after that, I reduced my communication with him, and our conversations became very rare.

Regarding the logins—it isn’t a big deal that Yash Joshi knows about them. It might sound very strange to Maya or others, but Yash and I often share logins. He has worked with me on projects—be it GitHub logins, Hostinger logins, or WhatsApp—such sharing was completely normal.

This is entirely my fault because I shouldn’t have shared all that with him. It’s not that I didn’t want to stop him—I did try to stop him. And how could I meet Maya to tell Maya all this? I had even told Maya then that I was afraid of meeting Maya, worried Maya might react as Maya did that day. I even made calls to Maya back then, if Maya remembers.

Whatever doubts Maya has now, all these things are true and directly or indirectly connected to those incidents.

First of all, I have anger issues—I get extremely angry with Maya. When I’m angry, I know exactly what to say and end up just listing all Maya’s mistakes. It’s normal that in anger I say things like “Maya did this; Maya didn’t do that.” And when Maya gets angry, Maya too tends to do the same.

It would also be wrong to say that Maya is the one who gets angry—because Maya’s anger only comes after I first get angry with Maya. In all this, both of us get hurt; no one gets angry without a reason.

It’s normal for both of us to be angry, but saying anything in anger is completely wrong. I have already explained to Maya, calmly, what I said when I was angry; those same words get repeated in anger and they hurt. For example, when I talked about Maya’s reputation—and I even discussed it calmly with Maya once (if Maya remembers, I mentioned that people don’t really think about other girls, so why do my friends or other boys talk about Maya?)—

This doesn’t mean that I am indirectly abusing or disrespecting Maya. Whatever I heard or saw in college, I would come and clear it up with Maya on the same day—and it never came from a place of disrespect. I don’t believe that I should think about Maya the same way others do. I have made everything clear to Maya—why people say such things. Although saying something about Maya’s reputation in anger sounds hurtful, I have already calmly explained all of this to Maya.

Recently, I even heard something else: a guy from the mechanical department told another guy that Maya would work for him too, and another guy replied from his side, “She’ll be a ****?” This happened on the day of the cultural program.

I didn’t tell Maya about that because these are all trivial matters—and I didn’t want to hurt Maya by bringing them up.

It isn’t as if someone is deliberately talking about Maya’s reputation behind Maya’s back. Even after we got into a relationship, all this was happening. Not a single day would pass without me hearing something good about Maya—and I wouldn’t let it affect me. Had I taken their words too seriously, my feelings and love for Maya might have diverted or faded over time.

Now, regarding the abusive words used in chats by Sudhanshu and Omkar—they were spoken impulsively. Whether in college, on WhatsApp, or during calls, somehow their words always ended up directed at Maya.

That does not mean I used those words against Maya. In fact, they were meant to end the topic, and any abusive words that might have been used were said out of sheer frustration regarding that topic. Just think—would I ever use abusive language toward someone I don’t even respect? And if I had intentionally gotten involved in all that, I would never have given Maya my account logins. I shared them with Maya on my own, without Maya even asking. My transparency alone proves that those words were never used directly or indirectly against Maya.

I know very well that Maya also loves me and understands how we should be together—compromise, effort, and mutual understanding. When both people love each other, compromise and everything else must come from both sides.

Maya once said that love should be unconditional—so why does Maya expect anything from me? This happens because Maya is in love with me, and the same applies to me.

I admit that I made a mistake by sharing things with Yash Joshi, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try to stop him.

I should have met Maya and told Maya everything at that time, but Maya built walls and maintained distance. I simply didn’t have the courage.

It would be completely wrong to say that my personality is something else—it isn’t. I was uncomfortable with Maya before, and now that I’m becoming comfortable, I have told Maya everything. My personality is genuine in front of Maya—and if Maya ever asks anyone about me secretly without letting me know, they’ll tell Maya the same things that Maya sees in me.

Maya doubts the person who entered our relationship for the first time—the one who understands the importance of relationships, who was taught by his family to build relationships (not break them), and who strongly believes in prayer.

Everything I have told Maya is the truth, and everything Maya has heard about me, Maya has clarified with me herself instead of letting Maya’s mind fabricate stories. Even though I may have told Maya things late, I have shared everything with Maya with transparency and honesty—whether it’s about family, the past, or personal space.

I regret that I got involved in all of it—I shouldn’t have started it that way, and I feel guilty about it.

We can start everything over again if Maya wants. I don’t feel I need to change myself because I have always been genuine with Maya. But we can try once more—and by accepting the past, I can show Maya in the present and in the future that Maya hasn’t taken any wrong step by coming into this relationship.

I know that sometimes the struggle in this relationship is felt not only by Maya but also by me. But I truly believe that this is just part of the process—and that over time, maturity will come into our relationship. Mutual understanding between us is important, and when that happens, things aren’t just okay for a couple of days—they’re really wonderful.

And Maya knows very well how serious both of us have been about this relationship—I’ve been extremely serious. So, acting this way would be very wrong.

All the good things in our relationship always had one thing in common: understanding. When we understood each other well enough to know what Maya should do and what I should do, everything went smoothly.

We have to trust the process over time—and as we stay together, we must learn from the mistakes we’ve made in this relationship.

No relationship is perfect; we both have our imperfections. I accept Maya’s imperfections, and I will stand by Maya in every situation.

It would be wrong to say that Maya is foolish for trusting me—this is a story from both sides. It’s ours, and we both understand it well. If Maya wants, we can show that even after the ups and downs, we still stand strongly by each other.

I’m not trying to prove myself right here; I’m just telling Maya what is true. Maya might think that none of this will matter or that I’m rambling, but I’m not asking Maya to trust me just because I say it—just take a good, honest look at things.

Because I believe that everything that has happened between us until now—Maya has noticed it, Maya has understood it—so just look at things from that perspective.

She didn’t even bother to find out or investigate who was actually behind those chats... Despite that, she treated me as if I were the bad person. Every time I tried to explain, all I got was 'fuck off, fuck off,' 'what the fuck'... And I didn’t even say anything, I stayed calm, thinking maybe she was just angry and would eventually understand.

Even when I called her at 2 AM—despite being blocked—she still said, 'Fuck off, I don’t want to hear anything.' I don’t even have a problem with that; maybe what she’s feeling right now is normal. But she should at least look at the real situation—what actually happened, what caused things to go wrong, and how things can be fixed. She could have argued with me about it, gotten mad at me, and said whatever she wanted—but just walking away like this, is that really a solution? I’m hurting too, and she’s just assuming things, creating a completely negative pattern based on those chats.

I haven’t been able to sleep since February 7, and I’ve been keeping myself busy with projects. In the mornings, thoughts suddenly trigger in my mind; I feel restless and can’t sleep—and it continues even after that.

We have loved each other very deeply, and that’s why Maya is hurt. I truly regret the mistakes I made—and for that, on behalf of myself and my friends, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I know that just saying “sorry” won’t make everything right. I understand the pain that has impacted Maya’s heart. Every mistake creates a negative pattern in our minds that keeps reminding us of that pain. But I sincerely, from the depths of my heart, want us to rebuild that trust on a new foundation—one based on honesty, understanding, and emotional healing.

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am ready to do everything I can to become a better person, to understand every one of Maya’s feelings, and to always support Maya. I believe healing takes time, and I respect that process. No matter how long it takes, I will wait—because I want Maya to realize on Maya’s own that I am committed to change.

To break that negative pattern in Maya’s mind, I will always be with Maya, listen to Maya, and understand Maya’s emotions. Just give me one chance so that I can show Maya through my actions that I am ready to change.

Our relationship is completely different from the superficial trends of today’s generation. It is an unbreakable, deep bond—a relationship that isn’t based solely on fleeting emotions but on emotional maturity, unwavering trust, and mutual respect. While modern relationships often involve temporary feelings and short-term commitments, our connection is a timeless journey where, even after all the fights over the past one or two years and every challenge, we continue to stand by each other. This relationship is a true commitment—standing on a solid foundation that transcends modern fads. That’s why we are still together today.”

Main Hi Bura Hoon Maine uske saath aisa kiya, usee itna pain diya, itna pressure dala ki ab main khud ko hi sabse bada useless aadmi samajhne laga hoon. Meri mistakes ne mujhe iss jagah par la khada kiya hai, jaha mujhe lagta hai ki koi bhi mere saath nahi rehna chahega.

Maine us par itna pressure dala ki wo mere samne free nahi reh paayi. Main chahta tha ki uski life mere according chale, uska har step, har decision meri marzi se ho. Main har waqt jaan'na chahta tha ki wo kaha hai, kiske saath hai, kya kar rahi hai. Ye sab main isliye karta tha kyunki mujhe fear tha ki kahin wo mujhse door na chali jaye. Lekin meri ye controlling habit ne use mujhse door kar diya. Maine use breathe karne tak ki freedom nahi di. Maine use itna bind karne ki koshish ki ki wo break ho gayi, aur ye sab meri fault thi.

Mere andar itni insecurity thi ki main khud par trust nahi kar paata tha. Mujhe hamesha usse love ka proof chahiye hota tha. Main har chhoti baat ko seriously le leta tha...agar wo kisi aur se hans kar baat kar leti, to mujhe lagta ki shayad wo mujhse happy nahi hai. Main usse baar-baar puchta tha ki kya wo mujhse pyaar karti hai? Kya main uske liye enough hoon? Meri ye insecurity ne use tired kar diya. Maine har pal use test karne ki koshish ki, aur is chakkar me hamare relationship ko weak bana diya. Ye meri weakness thi, jisne sab kuch destroy kar diya.

Main use kisi aur ke saath share nahi karna chahta tha. Mujhe jealousy hoti thi agar wo apne friends ke saath enjoy karti... Main chahta tha ki wo sirf mere liye ho..uska har pal, uski har happiness sirf mere liye ho. Meri ye possessiveness ne use cage karne ki koshish ki. Maine use itna apne close rakhna chaha ki wo khud ko hi kho baithi. Meri jealousy, mera doubt usse mujhse distant le gaya. Maine use wo freedom nahi di jo har insaan ko chahiye hoti hai, aur ye meri sabse badi mistake thi.

Ab jab main past dekhta hoon, to mujhe lagta hai ki maine sab kuch destroy kar diya. Maine usse itna hurt kiya, itna trouble diya ki shayad koi bhi mere saath nahi rehna chahega. Main khud ko sabse bekar insaan samajhta hoon...ek aisa insaan jisne apne haathon se apni happiness chheen li. Main hi guilty hoon, main hi sabka reason hoon. Meri in mistakes ne mujhe is jagah laakar khada kar diya, jaha mujhe lagta hai ki main kisi ke layak nahi hoon.

Maine uske saath aisa kiya, aur ab main khud ko is sach ke saath face kar raha hoon ki main hi galat hoon... Meri controlling, insecure, aur possessive habits ne sab kuch destroy kar diya. Main hi bura hoon, aur shayad yehi meri reality hai.

Main apni mistakes ki responsibility kabhi nahi leta tha. Har baar jab kuch wrong hota, main us par blame daal deta—"Ye tumhari wajah se hua.".. Maine kabhi khud ko improve karne ki koshish nahi ki, hamesha usko guilty feel karwaya. Meri ye irresponsibility ne use force kar diya ki wo akele sab problems ko face kare.

Mera mindset hamesha negative rehta tha. Har situation me main sirf problems dekhta tha. "Ye kabhi nahi ho sakta," "Sab bekaar hai." Ye mere daily dialogues ban gaye the. Meri negativity ne hamare relationship ki sari hope kill kar di, aur wo mere saath sad rehne lagi.

Maine kabhi uski feelings aur wishes ka respect nahi kiya. Main uski baat sunta hi nahi tha, hamesha apni marzi chalane ki try karta tha. Main use down feel karwata tha, uski opinions ko ignore karta tha. Mere behavior ne use aisa feel karaya jaise wo kisi layak hi nahi hai.

Meri sari negative qualities ne use completely break kar diya.... Wo mere saath suffocated, depressed, aur scared rehne lagi... Meri controlling aur possessiveness ne uski freedom cheen li... Meri insecurity aur manipulation ne use mentally exhausted kar diya, Aur meri criticism aur jealousy ne uske self-respect ko destroy kar diya.... Wo mere saath rehkar khud ko hi kho chuki thi...

Maine use emotionally blackmail kiya. Jab bhi wo meri baat nahi maanti, main kehta, "Tumhe meri parwah hi nahi," ya "Main tumhare bina nhi reh sakta" Maine uski weaknesses ka advantage uthaya, use guilt me daal kar control kiya. Meri ye manipulation ki aadat ne use aisa feel karwaya ki har galti ki zimmedar wo hai, jabki reality me main hi galat tha.

Main Overly Critical Hoon.. maine kabhi uski tariff nahi ki, hamesha uski kamiyaan nikaali. "Tum ye theek se nahi kar sakti," "Tum hamesha galat karti ho." Ye mere common dialogues ban gaye the... Maine use itna down feel karwaya ki wo khud par doubt karne lagi... Meri criticism ne uska self-confidence break kar diya, aur wo hamesha mere saamne dar kar rehne lagi...

Yash Joshi ke galat behavior me meri hi galti thi. Maine use negatively influence kiya, usse galat soch di, aur jab usne mistake ki, to maine usee roka tak nhi or na hi kisi ke saamne uske liye stand liya... Meri wajah se Maya ko pain hua, jiske liye main responsible hoon. Maine uske baare me galat socha, galat bola, aur galat bataya.

I’m bad. I’m fucking bad. A fucking worthless excuse for a human being. I’m the kind of asshole who screws everything up and doesn’t even have the guts to own it. I lie, I manipulate, and I don’t give a damn about anyone but myself... I’m a selfish, pathetic coward who hides behind excuses and blames everyone else for my fuckups....

I’m a massive fucking asshole, a complete piece of shit who can’t even understand himself... I fucked up, not just fucked up, I created a total mess... I lied to my girl, broke her trust, and acted like some selfish bastard who only thinks about himself... I’m a disgusting, lowlife, shameless jerk. A top-tier fucker who crushes other people’s feelings without a second thought. What right do I even have to face anyone? None. I’m a coward who can’t even own up to his mistakes... A useless, filthy, stupid idiot..I'm a goddamn idiot, I feel ashamed of myself, but even that’s not enough. I’m a rotten, shitty excuse for a human being, someone who deserves to be spit on and thrown away. I’m not just bad, I’m fucking bad... A guy who makes himself sick. I want to punish myself for what I did, but even that wouldn’t be enough. I’m a massive fuck-up, a total dickhead, and that’s the truth!!

24 Feb 2025

After a few days, I still have to go to college... I try to avoid it, but I have no choice... When I see her at college, my mind feels overwhelmed... Everything is very difficult, and I feel completely stuck.... Every day, I am even scared to go to college.

28 Feb 2025

Even after a few days, today, nothing changed for me... At college, I saw her again in the morning and at lunchtime when she came from outside.... Seeing her, everything felt fresh.... I can’t stop noticing her...my eyes always search for her.. It is very hard for me to handle this situation. I feel hurt and I cry, hoping that tomorrow will be better..

3 March 2025

Today, I went to college because I had to call my parents, which meant I had to see the principal... With a heavy heart, I went to college. I gave Abhishek the letter notes for Maya and also asked him to give the Bejanti Mala that my grandfather gave me... I am still extremely hurt and depressed, but I do not blame Maya for my depression because these things are mine, and I feel trapped in everything... It is very hard for me to handle all this..... I am tired and completely broken inside now....

March 4, 2025

Today, I went to college again, thinking that maybe I wouldn’t see her today. But she appeared once more, and the same thoughts and memories were triggered, making everything feel fresh again... I am unable to do anything... Truly, nothing at all... Now, how do I explain things to her? How do I convince her? I am feeling deeply hurt and in pain that maybe no one else can feel, not even Maya... In the evening, I called Maya and told her that on the day I come to college, she shouldn't come, and on the day she comes, I won't come. Because I want to give up now, and if I don't see her, I'll be able to move on faster. She said, Thik hai mai nhi dikhungi tumhe, but I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Honestly, seeing her completely breaks me, and I don't want to see her anymore. Then I also told her that I could do anything, like telling her father everything about what she did to me. But I just said that in the heat of the moment. Later, I called her again and told her to come to college...I won’t do anything ye wo sab...

March 5, 2025

Today, I went to college again. At first, I thought Maya might not have come, but that wasn’t the case. She had arrived early, and I was late, which is why I didn’t see her before lunch. While we were playing cricket, my eyes happened to look toward the IT block gate, and I saw her walking away from there. After that, we continued playing cricket. Later, when we went to the ground for lunch, I didn’t see her there either, and my day instantly felt so much better. Even after lunch, she didn’t show up, which made things even better. When she’s not around, I feel like I can move on.

March 6, 2025

Today, I went to college again... I thought the day would go better, and there wouldn't be any interaction with her. That's why I went to college late. I didn't see her in the morning...maybe she was in class. So, we started playing cricket. After a while, she was coming out of the class with Prajwal and Abhishek, but by then, she might have seen me and went back inside. Later, when we were going to home in lunchtime , she was coming to college with Pammi. She saw me, turned around, and started walking toward the back gate of the college instead... This is still tough for me, but things like this are bound to happen since we're in the same college. Completely disappearing from each other's sight is impossible....I'm hurting, and I'm trying to erase her existence from my mind..

March 7, 2025

Today, I didn't initially plan to go to college, but at 8 AM, Amit called and asked if we should go, so I said okay. While playing cricket, I saw her—right in front of me. She came out of the class with her friends, laughing loudly. After a while, I saw her going back into the class. Then, when we were having lunch on the ground, I saw her again, leaving with her friends—right in front of my eyes. So I called her to ask why she was appearing in front of me unnecessarily. But she didn't pick up. Then I texted her from Amit’s phone, saying, "Why did you appear in front of me when I had told you not to? Why are you interfering with my healing process?" I don’t know if she saw the message or not, but I told her from my side. The rest of the day didn’t go well... I saw her again.. :(

March 8, 2025



March 9, 2025

It's 11:38 PM right now, and I can't sleep thinking that I'll see her at college tomorrow and get hurt all over again. I'm also starting to focus on her negative traits now. I'm even thinking that, at least, I don't watch adult movies like the ones she used to watch. Somewhere, it's all connected... what we watch gets ingrained in our minds, and she was always watches drama, which she would then try to implement in real life, following it blindly. I can't sleep because the thought of seeing her at college tomorrow is haunting me. I don't know how I'll handle it. What I'm suffering through, what I'm feeling....it's incredibly hard to put into words. There's a deep pain inside me, and I just want to move on.. I want to forget Maya forever.... And now, I absolutely hate my own choices. Maya is the biggest mistake of my life.

March 10, 2025

I had a test today, so I had to go to college. Last night, I was worried about what might happen today, and exactly that happened.... I went to college late, hoping I wouldn’t see her. Before lunch, I even went to the Gurudwara just to avoid seeing her. But after returning from the Gurudwara, I suddenly saw her in college with her friends. I ignored her, but later, when we were playing cricket, I saw her again in class outside again.... Why doesn’t she understand how much I’m suffering and sacrificing just to avoid seeing her or for her not to see me???????? Why doesn’t she get it????

March 11, 2025